Depression

Hello there you amazing people! How are you doing? Hope well.
So i want to apologize cause I didn’t publish anything yesterday and of course I want and I will tell you the truth.
Yesterday was just another “not my day”, unfortunately i have many days like this. I often wake up and i just don’t want to get up I want to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing, but i do get up! There are days when I just can’t fight with myself and my feelings, like yesterday. I woke up and i felt my body aching, I started crying and I just wanted everything to end. After crying (maybe hour? I don’t know I even didn’t checked the time whole day) I fall asleep again. At 3 pm mom came back home and she woke me up. At first she started yelling that I spent another night watching stupid things, but when I didn’t move and didn’t say anything she started nervously asking what happened my eyes were full of tears, usually I always hide this from mom but not this time… She kept asking what was wrong with me I hadn’t power to open my mouth and say something and I hardly said “I’m okay mom”. Then I realized all this time I was looking in emptiness, I looked at mom and barely smiled. She asked if i wanted something to eat but I refused. As soon as she left my room I started crying again, when I felt so sick of crying I just started staring at flower on my sheet. Then I started thinking about so many things: loss, death, being alone, war and other stuff like this. Than my little bro came and brought me some apples and carrots, they were peeled and sliced so beautifully like mom always does, I pretended sleeping. Soon mom also came he was so nervous, I felt so guilty… I gathered myself up, smiled and started eating apple. She sat on my bed and started asking what happened… We know that I have depression, but everyone is depresses nowadays. Lately I feel more and more worse doc gave me medicine, it was helping but i can’t take it more than 2 month and I stopped it last week. Well, at the end I told her that i felt sick because of rabies vaccination…
Mom has many problems without my stupid depression, I didn’t want to worry her more so I hide when I feel worse. But the worst thing is I don’t have friend who helps me… I always do my best, I can wake up at 2 am and visit them(I really did it once!)… I know I’m not perfect but when it goes to friendship I proudly can say that I’m a really good one and exactly this is most heartbreaking… you do your best and they don’t give a shit…!

So this is it, my yesterdays depression attack story…  Have you same problems? How you deal with your depression? Any advice will be helpful…

girl online going offline. x